Three Dots at the End….

She’s been having more tantrums and showing relatively more aggression since she’s turned two (“relatively” because it’s still pretty rare, as she’s never been a very aggressive person)…When she’s overtired or gets upset for some reason, she’ll scream and cry and sometimes throw a toy or hit something—mostly inanimate objects like the wall or the floor.  She’ll also verbalize her anger—“NO!” and when she throws something, “THROWING!” or when she hits something, “HITTING!”  If she’s not purposely trying to cause someone or something harm (as in, she’s throwing or hitting gently, just to test limits), I leave her be and talk to her while she’s tantrum-ing: “You sound very mad.  You’re angry because we had to leave.  It’s very hard to leave when you’re having fun.”  The tantrums last for a few minutes at most, and inevitably end in her saying in a very sad voice, “Hug?” and coming over to me for a hug and to wipe her face, at which point she’s ready to move on.

On rare occasions she’ll test her physical limits and act out hitting me or her dad—I say “act out” because she doesn’t actually hit us, just taps us gently and looks at us to see how we’ll react.  Hitting people is not an acceptable behavior to me, so I immediately hold her hand and look her in the eye and say very seriously, “NO hitting.  Hitting HURTS.”  At which point she gets very sad and says “Hug?”  I always give her a hug to let her know I’m not mad at her, and that being mad is okay but acting out on it by intentionally trying to cause harm is not okay.

As for taking toys, she’s becoming more possessive now and less willing to let go as she gets older—most of the time when she was younger, if anyone took a toy from her, she would just move on to something else.  Now she’ll resist letting anyone take something from her.  She usually won’t take something that’s in someone else’s hands, but if it’s on the floor and the other child pauses in playing with it, she’ll move in on it.  At which point said child will get upset and try to remove it from her grasp, and a tugging war ensues.  I try not to allow her to take toys from other children so I intervene when it happens, telling her that so-and-so is still playing with it and she can play with it when her friend is all done.  I also try to watch her closely whenever she’s around other children, so I can step in before it happens if I see her eyeing someone else’s toy.  If she’s reaching for it, I’ll say “Your friend is not all done playing with that.  It’s their turn.  What would you like to play with while you wait for a turn?” and try to move her on to something else.  Then when I see the toy available later, I offer to let her play with it because I want her to know I’ll always do my best to keep my promises to her.

One note about my personal disciplining style—situations where things like that occur (pushing and taking toys) are so varied that there’s not one particular trick that will work every time.  Sometimes there are underlying factors like time of day, if she’s hungry or tired, if we’ve been traveling or she’s been sick, so I try to keep that in mind when it comes to discipline.  I want to be compassionate about what she’s going through while using teaching moments wisely (which doesn’t always happen, but I keep trying!).  When possible, I also try to discipline on the basis of her intentions—if she’s throwing and hitting things because she’s upset but not trying to hurt anyone or anything, I don’t interfere.  For a necessarily self-centered two-year-old, emotions like anger and frustration are still new and powerful, and they don’t always have the ability to communicate what they’re feeling; they just know that it’s unbearable and it seems like the end of the world.  Luckily they’re also very resilient and adaptable, and able to get over their anger.  So if she needs to let off some steam, I just give her the space.  If, however, her intentions turn destructive—like if she acts like she wants to throw something with the intention of breaking it or causing harm, or if she starts to approach someone with the intention of hurting them, I feel like it’s my responsibility to step in quickly and discipline immediately.  I want her to learn that even if she feels mad or upset, she has power over her actions and hurting others is not okay.  Emotions like anger and sadness will pass, but actions can’t be undone so I want her to choose gentle actions.  (Can you tell I’ve been reading a lot of Buddhist stuff?) 

I’m trying to learn to self-regulate along with her. We’re both works in progress.